I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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