Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
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