my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
i think we sleep fucked last night...
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
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