remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
I see more hoeing in ur future
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