Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
