I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
and you fell through a lawn chair
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