he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
You dont lie about slip and slides
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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