I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
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