I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
Randomize
