dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
Randomize
