4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
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