when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
