i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
You are a genius and a whore.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Randomize
