i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
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