I didn't shave. On purpose
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
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You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
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He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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