I heard we made out
So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
Randomize
