I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
Randomize
