i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
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Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
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Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
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