Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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