dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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