mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
