I think I can smell my own vagina right now
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Randomize
