That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
Randomize
