Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
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