i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
Randomize
