life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
