I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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