I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
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