woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
Dating After Heartbreak
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
These Images Prove Chrissy Teigen is the Funniest Model Alive
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed