I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Guy Shares All The ‘New Discoveries’ He’s Made Since Moving In With His Girlfriend And It’s Hilariously Relatable
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.