i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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