I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
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