You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Randomize
