i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
well the blowjob for study guide exchange was a success.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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