My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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