I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
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