I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
Randomize
