I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
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