you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
Randomize
