and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
You ruined the universe
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
