On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
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