At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
Bang-toberfest begins!!
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
