For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
