so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
