I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
I see more hoeing in ur future
Randomize
