I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
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