I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
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