I'm on page 4.
Im on beer infinity
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Randomize
