I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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