I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
I'm passing your future prison.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
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