A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
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