I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
