i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
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