giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
