a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
