I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
True strength comes from lack of pants
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
